I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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