I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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