we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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