I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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