onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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