just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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