at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
