we have officially lost it.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
