the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
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I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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