I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
