Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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