Pants 0. Shit 1.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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