onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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