just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
