I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
