i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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