took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
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You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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