I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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