Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
