I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
