I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
