she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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