i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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