when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
