You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
