and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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