tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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