I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
