If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
