Will you blow on my dice?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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