i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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