my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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