I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
