when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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