You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
