So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
