I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.