she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book