I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
