So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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