It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
