Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
