omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
