id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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