My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The power of my boobs compel you
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
