I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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