Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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