I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
