i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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