I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
