everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
