walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
