The maid of honor just puked.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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