i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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