My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize